smoQ
"Announcing Nothing, Loudly"
QUANTUM ANNOUNCEMENTS
Where academia meets venture capital in a superposition of nonsense
Quantum Machine Learning Integration in High Energy Physics
Alternative Title: "How We Spent €50M to Make Neural Networks 10,000x Slower"
About the Speaker
Dr. Michele Quotti is a Professional Grant Applicant & Part-Time Physicist at CERN, specializing in converting taxpayer money into academic papers that no one will read.
📍 Locations
May 28, 12:00 - Heisenberg Uncertainty Auditorium, Institute for Imaginary Qubits, San Sebastian
May 29, 11:40 - Schrödinger's Lecture Hall, University of Quantum Vaporware, Munich
Note: The talk both exists and doesn't exist until you show up
What You'll "Learn"
- How to take a perfectly good classical ML algorithm and ruin it with "quantum"
- Why 99.9% error rates are actually a breakthrough (trust us)
- Advanced techniques in grant proposal word salad generation
- The art of hiding classical preprocessing in "quantum" algorithms
Series Ω-2 Funding Round: Now Accepting Imaginary Currency
Following the overwhelming success of our Series Ω round (where we raised money that exists in superposition), we're excited to announce Series Ω-2!
Investment Highlights:
- Guaranteed -100% returns (you lose money so fast it goes back in time)
- Equity measured in complex numbers
- Board seats in parallel universes only
- Free "I Invested in Quantum" NFT (worth $0.00000001)
smoQ Achieves Quantum Advantage in Disappointing Investors
In a groundbreaking study that will revolutionize how we waste money, smoQ Labs has demonstrated exponential speedup in destroying shareholder value using only 3 qubits and a prayer.
Key Results:
- 10^8x faster at burning cash than classical startups
- Achieved "quantum advantage" by redefining what "advantage" means
- Error rates so high they integer overflow back to 0%
- Successfully confused 100% of peer reviewers
"We don't know what we did, but we're pretty sure it's revolutionary." - Dr. Schrödinger's Cat, CQO
📢 Announcement Guidelines
All announcements are simultaneously true and false until observed by regulatory authorities. Side effects may include: quantum decoherence, venture capital attraction, and spontaneous PhD generation. Not responsible for wavefunction collapse or portfolio performance.