smoQ
"Because Adding 'Quantum' Makes Anything Sound Smart"
QUANTUM IS HARD.
SO ARE WE.
smoQ's Post-Quantum Snake Oil™ platform leverages blockchain AI to generate infinite funding rounds, zero deliverables, and Schrödinger's product roadmap—simultaneously shipping and not shipping since 2023.
$3.7B
VC Funding Burned
0
Actual Qubits
∞
Buzzwords Generated
69
Patents (All Nonsense)
OUR "TECHNOLOGY"
Quantum-Washed AI
Our LLMs hallucinate quantum jargon so convincingly, even we don't know what we're selling.
Read the whitepaper →Entangled Finance
Simultaneously lose money in all possible universes with our quantum hedge fund.
Lose your savings →VC Quantum Leverage
We've raised $500M in Series Z funding by claiming to "solve decoherence" (we didn't).
Invest in Series Ω →"PEER-REVIEWED" NONSENSE
Quantum Blockchain: A Post-Satirical Approach
Abstract: We propose a blockchain that exists in superposition, allowing transactions to simultaneously succeed and fail until observed by the IRS.
Schrödinger's ROI
Abstract: Until you check your portfolio, your investment is both thriving and bankrupt. We exploit this to keep raising rounds.
The Emperor's New Qubits
Abstract: If no one can verify quantum advantage, does it even exist? (Spoiler: No.)
PRAISE FROM PEOPLE WHO SHOULD KNOW BETTER
"smoQ's quantum blockchain allowed us to pivot from Web3 to AI to quantum in 3 weeks. Our stock dropped 80%, but the buzzwords are fire."
"I don't understand a single thing they do, which is how I know it's revolutionary."
"We paid $2M for a 'quantum readiness assessment.' They sent us a 10-page PDF with cat pictures. Worth it."